I'd like to ask for Sinead's hand in marriage

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Feminist Weddings

I was intrigued by Ellie Levenson's article in today's Times, where she explains her doubts on getting married and how she made sure her wedding reflected her feminist values. 

Can a humanist wedding also be a feminist one? Let's begin by thinking about some traditional aspects of weddings that aren't feminist. First of all it's customary for the chap to propose, unless we're on a leap year where women can pop the question and (according to my dear, departed Gran) ladies who were refused got a pair of gloves as a knock-back gift, presumably to cover the fact they didn't have an engagement ring on their finger. The shame! Personally I don't think I'll ever get down on one knee and ask a man to marry me. At five foot nothin' I'm short enough standing up so crouched down I might be a health and safety hazard, as people would trip over me.

Then there's the moment many men dread: asking Daddy's permission. I'm sure some men still do this but as most couples live together before they get married I would imagine that this is merely a polite (yet declining) tradition and nothing to be taken too seriously. The same goes for being 'given away'.

To 'love, honour and obey'? Aye, right! Dream on...

Taking your husband's surname: many women still do this. I once married a couple where the groom's surname was 'Venus'. If I'd married someone with such a cool surname mine would have been changed by deed poll and on my Boots Advantage Card before I trotted down the aisle.

So, how do we make a humanist ceremony a feminist one? The short answer is: we don't, we make it a humanist wedding. One of the most important aspects of humanism is that we value all people equally. Our ceremonies place tantamount importance on the two people getting married. Yet there are aspects of the ceremony that many women would choose to modernise whether they describe themselves as feminists or not.

For most brides, having their dad walk them down the aisle is a symbolic gesture and everyone is fully aware that nobody is 'giving' or 'being given' away. However I notice some brides have both mum and dad walking them down the aisle and this is very thoughtful. Alternatively, many mums take the role of being a witness, which means they play an important part in the ceremony. There's also the option of entering as a couple and sometimes the bride even comes in on her own or with the bridesmaids.

Does anyone promise to 'obey' their spouse any more? I wouldn't want to marry a couple where either the bride or groom promised to obey the other. If they both promised to obey one another, how would that work? "Take out the rubbish!" "No, you take out the rubbish!" It would all end in tears and the rubbish would never get taken out... I think it's more important to make promises you can keep and ones that reflect what you can, as an individual, bring to the relationship.

In a humanist wedding you don't have to be named as 'Mr and Mrs' anything. The celebrant will legally have to pronounce you to be 'husband and wife' or 'wife and husband' if you prefer. I have had a few ceremonies where the groom has taken his wife's surname and the American fashion for hyphenating both is catching on. A woman's name doesn't automatically change when she gets married and many women keep their maiden name for professional use and take their married name for personal things. It's entirely up to you.

One of the reasons I love conducting humanist weddings is that marriage is not necessary these days. It's not so long ago that society demanded people get married if they wanted to live together and have children. If you've ever read Jane Austin's Pride and Prejudice you'll be aware that marriage was once essential for any woman to have a secure place in society. I'm really glad that this is no longer the case and marriage is a positive choice. I think humanist weddings go beyond the notion of a feminist ones: our ceremonies aren't just about the couple but reflect their place in the world and are about them making a commitment in the presence of all the people they love and value. 

It is appropriate and considerate that in all Scottish wedding ceremonies the Registrar General has made the legal declarations worded like this:

"I Juliet Wilson accept you George Clooney to be my lawful wedded husband."

"I George Clooney accept you Juliet Wilson to be my lawful wedded wife."

My own personal fantasies aside, don't you think it's lovely that we 'accept' one another in marriage? Most couples presume the wording would be: "I take you to be my wife." No, siree, you offer yourself of your own free will! 

There's no need for a feminist (or anyone else) to marry in any type of ceremony but I think that if they want to make a public commitment there's no reason for them not to have a humanist wedding.

Making an entrance!

Many little girls (or was it just me?) pin their granny's tablecloth to their head and dream about walking down the aisle into Prince Charming's arms: Morton Harkett from A-Ha, in my case. Yet it can be quite an intimidating experience and this is something I usually discuss with couples before the big day. What's often expected to be the most joyous moment in the wedding can feel odd for many brides as they might not be used to being the centre of attention and being in front of a room full of people all staring at you, but saying nothing, can be a surreal experience.

The most important thing to remember is that everyone has been desperate to see you in your frock and they are looking at you with admiration and love. Of course, you don't have to do the 'walking down the aisle with dad' thing. Some brides arrive with the groom and they greet the guests as a couple. Then they might walk down the aisle together or simply come to the front and we begin the ceremony. Alternatively the bride might still arrive last but the groom will go out and they will then walk in together. Some brides choose to walk in with both parents, which I find especially moving.

It helps to choose music that means something special to you, a tune that you will really enjoy coming in to. This week I have a wedding where the bride is making an entrance to Black Sabbath by Black Sabbath! Queen's Don't Stop Me Now remains ever popular, and I've even had a bride coming in to I'm Sticking With You by the Velvet Underground. 

I've never had a wedding where the bridal party did anything like this but I so hope to one day!

I Believe In A Thing Called Love!

It occurs to me that I haven't updated this blog for a long, long time...

As regular readers will know, I began conducting Humanist ceremonies after being inspired by my own wedding to the lovely Tim Maguire. It surprised many of our friends and wedding couples when, at the beginning of this year, we decided to go our separate ways. Although this was a very sad time we feel lucky that we've been able to remain the best of friends. We now have an allotment together and enjoy joint custody of one greenhouse, three compost bins and four raised beds, growing an abundance of salad leaves, and a plethora of vegetables!

Many of my wedding couples have been curious to know how it feels to conduct a wedding when your own hasn't worked out. No different really! Tim and I continue to get so much pleasure from being part of the many and varied weddings we do. We also conduct Humanist funeral ceremonies and this reminds us that life is often complicated, that we have to move forward and look to the future. Before you ask, I've yet to turn up at a wedding crying into a martini glass, but this can be arranged if that's the kind of ceremony you want!

Looking back on my marriage, I've much to be grateful for: I spent five years living with my best friend and now find myself to be a person I like more because of that. Getting married introduced me to a job I love and find endlessly rewarding: pronouncing a couple to be husband and wife never loses its excitement for me.

Tim also introduced me to two of the loveliest people I will ever meet: his dear old Ma and sister Lucie. Campbell sadly died last year but lived a happy, full life in southern France to the grand old age of 90, on a diet of fags, sherry and cake! She had many fabulous stories (which she repeated often), was always game for a party and never failed to express her love and affection for me. I feel very lucky to still be close to my sister in law Lucie, a talented, clever and funny woman. Here's a picture of us all at Lucie's boyfriend Jean Jaque's house, wearing lots of clothes because he's a man who doesn't believe in central heating.

My own wishes for the future are to continue being a kind, supportive friend to Tim and enjoying a new chapter in my life. Some of my friends have cautiously asked if I would consider getting married for a second time. All I can say is: I live in hope!

Kirknewton House Stables Wedding

Kirknewton House Stables is another venue I seem to visit fairly regularly. I really like it as it is lovely whatever the weather - it's both bright and airy but still cosy.

I was delighted to meet this talented group of musicians, the Capriccio Quartet. As the bride was running ten minutes late they humoured me by playing me the Pizzicato Polka.



Here are the bride and groom, Laura and George. Laura's dress is stunning and so unusua! They make a gorgeous couple and were very open and sweet in expressing how much they loved one another.

Napier University Wedding

I've been to Napier University's Craighouse Campus a few times now and always receive a warm welcome from Moira the wedding coordinator, who runs a very tight ship! It was a lovely day for Susan and Peter and they had the best dressed snapper I've ever seen:



After the ceremony the guests went out onto the terrace for drinks and enjoyed the view.



I think they look fabulous together! Peter is a magician and although there wasn't any magic in the ceremony (apart from the romantic kind, of course) he did lots at the reception. When I first met them, he did lots of tricks including making me think of a certain card, pulling a coin from behind my ear then putting it in my hand and making it disappear. "Awesome" is a very overused word but it was! I'm thinking of advertising my services in the Magic Circle newsletter now.

Barony Castle Wedding

I thought Barony Castle sounded very romantic when Lindsey and Graham asked me to marry them there but i had no idea the 'aisle' would be as pretty as this.



There was a big stone 'altar' at the end and it was covered in the most lovely flowers which looked like they had grown there (or would do if real life was like a fairy story).



Here we are during the wedding. It was a bit rainy so the guests stood under the trees with loads of big umbrellas.



Here is a pic of the bridesmaid and Graham's best friend who was the Best Woman!



And just when the ceremony finished, what should happen? The sun came out, and Graham and Lindsey had some lovely photos taken with the sunlight streaming through the trees.